Friday, May 23, 2008

I think I am writing this email out of pure excitement. It will probably be the same thing I add to Hunter's journal.

I can't begin to explain what I have gone through in the last couple months. Nothing I have ever been through compares to this. This was not me that it was happening too. This is something that is so beyond words because I have to leave it in someone else’s hands. I had no control. I didn’t know how to fix it. Ultimately, this situation was left to God. I realized so many things in these last couple months and my whole perspective on life has changed. I know that when I come out of this; I am going to come out a stronger and better person. Gosh, I have experienced fear so beyond anything I have ever felt before. I have worried so long and so hard.

Physically, I have had to stand when I had nothing left in me. I have been through every single emotion a hundred times over; sometimes all in one day. I have had my hopes up to have them shattered. Within a split second, good news has been shattered by bad news. But, I have learned so much.

I have learned that life is not a guarantee. Not just Hunter's, but our lives. I am going to come out of this with an understanding of just how fragile life is. I think we spend so much time planning for the future that we forget about living our day, this day, to the fullest. We take for granted every day that we wake up. We complain about going to work, about cleaning the house, cooking dinner, gas prices, our weight, but these are life's privileges. We were given a gift and that is a new day. We are here to see gas prices rise. Our bodies are capable of cleaning the house. We don't have any physical limitation that prevents us to go to work. Our bodies can eat and digest food without the help of anything. What are we complaining about? I have heard people tell me live each day to the fullest. But, I never knew that saying until know. Since this happened, I was always planning for tomorrow. I was such a perfectionist. I was so worried about the details that I never stopped to just enjoy the moment. Life was a rush. After awhile, just a big blur. From now on, I stop and savor the moment. I "smell the roses" so to speak. I treat the people around me with compassion and love. I have the ability to forgive. I have adopted patience. I forget about the hatred, greed, and other stuff that pollutes us as a human race.

I have learned what severe tension and stress can do to a family and can only work to be a better person in the end.

I learned what it means to have "true inner strength". I'm not talking about me. Hunter has more strength than I could ever dream of having. He amazes me.
I have learned that without having faith in God, I can't have faith in anything. I have seen so many miracles happen right before my eyes in the last month and a half. Science can only take us so far; then God comes in. I truly believe that God still remains next to Hunter's side. When all else has failed, I have kneeled down in prayer. His power is real. He's real. He just comes to us all in different ways. I have learned that sometimes God sends us messages. It might not be want we want to hear; but it is something we should/need to listen to.

I have learned that, no matter how much I thought I had control over my own life, I don’t.

I sit here and watch Baby Hunter sleeping and could go on with stuff that I have learned about myself, life, and religion. As the monitors beep because his oxygen levels rise to high or fall to low, I realize that Hunter has taught me more in the last month and a half, than I could teach him in a lifetime. I know that I am a better person because of him.

In the beginning of my email, I mentioned the word "excitement". I came in today and Hunter has no IV pole around him. Hunter is up to full feeds. He reached his goal of 21 cc's every three hours. He doesn't need the IV nutrition anymore. He is still on his respirator. But, they keep winging him from that. It is a slow process. But, again, I have no other choice but to work on patience. This was something I never had before. So, I wait. I wait for them to turn down the settings one more time, day after day; until they feel he can breathe on his own. They sent down another culture to the lab. He has been battling a staph infection. I have no discharge date. Hunter still has many obstacles and road blocks are always something I have to be ready for. But, I am excited because God has blessed me with another day with my son. I will think about a discharge date when that time comes. For right now, I am excited that he is 2 pounds 14 ounces, he is up to full feeds, he is alert, and I got to kiss him today and tell him I love him. I am excited to hear that he is heading in the right direction. I am excited to hear that he has a long road ahead of him. It is better than not going down the road. (another example of how I look at life) I also heard a doctor say the words "he is going to survive". Of course, she elaborated that he does not get an infection or something unpredictable happens. His eyes are good and do not require treatment for now. This may change in the future. Again, I focused on now.

One last thing, I have learned that I choose the right hospital for Hunter’s care. The nurses and doctors are great. They have care diligently around the clock for Hunter. They have been patient when I ask a million question. They have taught me too much. They are all so loving and caring. I couldn’t ask for a better group of people.

Our journey is not over with. His struggle is still real. Please pray for baby Hunter as everyday he fights with all he has.
I just wanted to share with everyone what Hunter has taught me. What a miracle he is!!!