Tis the Eve Before Surgery...

I'm a nervous wreck.

I'm sure this is normal at some extent for most parents whose children are going through an intensive surgery. Throughout his entire days in the NICU and past, I have seen Hunter go through so much. I didn't know that one person could survive the battles he has gone through. And, here we are again, facing a whole new issue.

Throughout Hunter's entire journey, I have had my attitude ups and downs. Some days I feel more positive than others. A nurse in the NICU once told me that ignorance was bliss. She said to me: "Don't you wish you didn't know". This was after his long journey in the NICU. She said this after I have saw the human body pushed to the most extreme forms of medical complications and get through it. Now, that I have seen the worse form of complications, I can't help but to re-live them again. It leaves me scared about such a difficult surgery and it's outcome. The nurse is right. It was easier when I didn't know how bad it could get. But, I know complications can happen. I'm a realist. And, I know they can be severe. This leaves me laying awake at night...worried and wandering where our road is heading.

I wander if I'm strong enough. These last five years of ventilators, oscillators, nasal cannulas, oxygen, feeding tubes, past surgeries, medical equipment, emergency room visits, inpatient stays, AFO's, walkers, medication, doctor's appointments, and his other disabilities have wore me down a bit. I'm not going in this with a fresh and open mind, like Hunter's earlier days. I'm jaded; emotionally and physically exhausted.

I feel that the hardest thing in life is watching your child suffer and not be able to take the pain away from them. And, I know that after tomorrow, I will be experiencing this feeling of helplessness. However, am I selfish for writing about my feelings? After all, Hunter is the one that has to experience all this trauma and pain.

Happily, he's going to walk into the hospital and get knocked down pretty hard without understanding what happened to him or why. I wish I could make him understand what was coming up for him. I have tried talking to him. I wish I could warn him that he will have pain and discomfort, but this surgery could really pay off for him in the long term. I wish I had a magical way of making him understand how loved he is. And, if it's the last ounce of strength that I have in me, I wish I could give it to him.  Everyone that meets Hunter says that his determination, strength, positive attitude, and happiness needs to be bottled because it's rare. This is so true. I hope he still has it in him to fight through something so big. I just want my child happy. It's so hard to see that he has no clue on what's coming next.

I thought it was important for Hunter to spend the day prior to his surgery next to his immediate family. So, we are having dinner and desert at his Grandma's house for the eve before surgery. Here are some videos of Hunter before the surgery. I thought it was important to document him in his walker. Hopefully, his walker will be a thing of the past soon.

Here is a video of Hunter before his surgery:

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The Little Charmer:

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