Sunday, April 20, 2008

The neonatologist was wrong about Hunter having congestive heart failure. Throughout the day they ordered test on him. One of the test that they ordered was an echogram (if I spelled that right). The echogram takes a look at this heart and they were directly connected to a cardiologist at Children's Hospital in Detroit. The cardiologist ruled out congestive heart failure. But, it doesn't get better.

My precious, precious, son has a ton of fluid throughout his chest. They let me see his xray and compare it to another "normal" xray. It is bad. The diagnosis is either pneumonia (not good for a preemie his gestation) or his airways have collapsed not allowing fluid to cycle through and continue to build. Both situations are not good, not good at all. Every day is a struggle and a fight. They have him on a oscillator. This is the worst type of machine you could see your son on.

I am also getting a lot of questions on how "I'm holding up". I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond back. Usually, I am a lot quicker, as you already know.I APPRECIATE the emails and support. It makes me know I have people out there in a world that feels like a fog right now.

So, to answer your question...how am I doing? I have been through a ton of stuff (excuse my French) in my life. But, NOTHING compares to this. I would gladly go through what I have been through a million times over if it met my son would be healthy.

So, how I am doing? I am falling apart and crumbling. Every day is the hardest thing to get through. I can't eat - every time I lift food to my face, I picture Hunter being in the incubator, on the oscillator, with painful tubes coming out of everywhere (head, right abdomen, left chest, foot-you name it). It just makes me lose my appetite quickly. I can't sleep because of being so worried. I am exhausted. I am walking around in a complete haze. As the world is turning, people is laughing, kids are playing...it hurts more than you'll ever know because my world isn't turning. My world, my son is battling for his life. MY SON! MY WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD! I feel like my world is crumbling apart.

I would never wish this upon anyone...I can not imagine going through anything harder in my life. I cry..sometimes nonstop. So, this is why when you ask how am I holding up - it takes so long to respond. Because I usually put my head down on my desk, start balling. I have never been through something this difficult.

Nurses and Doctors literally have to tell me to leave. The doctors are telling me that I am pale as a ghost, and my eyes are black and they are worried about me. They keep telling me to call my doctor. But, I don't have time. This type of situation affects everything - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially - everything. But, it is my son and as long as he pulls through, I wouldn't trade any of this stress for anything. I just want him to be okay and in my arms. He is my world!! I am going to keep going until he is okay. So, how am I doing? I am a wreck. Someone has literally hit me with a train, dug my heart out and twisted my stomach to make it feel like it is in a million pieces. But, anyone in this situation would be. I constantly talk to Hunter. I let him know that I am there, I don't cry and I constantly let him know how much I love him and how he is my world. It is when I walk away that I crumble.

Everyone is telling me to stay strong. I have to stay strong for Hunter. We'll I am here. I am at the hospital everyday. But, I am human as well. I have human feelings and also a really sensitive person. So, I hope you are not critical on "how I am doing" When people ask, I tell. I feel that if I didn't feel this way, I wouldn't be normal. This is my child and he is fighting for his life. This is definetly the worst thing and the worst nightmare you could have.

Wow, I can't believe I just let everyone know how I am feeling. That is not like me. I have so many people asking. So, I thought I would sum it up in one email.

I love you all! I really do. I appreciate your support and your prayers.